Friday, April 01, 2005

I'm not sure I signed up for THIS!

Today's Cereal: Wheaties
Current Mood: Unsettled. Who am I really?

There has been a lot of talk lately about poo. From myself, on the blogs I read. There was poo talk here, and I made a comment about it here; John brought it up here, and Sarah continued it here. I am not sure why poo has been such a hot topic, but I think it's because the universe was preparing me--putting me in the right mindset, if you will--for what I had to deal with today.

I gave The Boy a bath today. He loves his bathtime, and he is so cute naked. When I get him undressed and carry him to the bathtub, he wraps his arms and legs around me and clings to me like a baby chimpanzee! It is so sweet, and for some reason, he only does this when he is naked. But anyways. His bath was nearing a close when suddenly he gets this really intense look on his face. I knew what was coming. I knew it! And I should have acted RIGHT THEN!! But I waited like a dumbass for the inevitable; and sure enough, HE POOED IN THE BATHTUB!!!

I know this is not an uncommon occurance, but in the 15 months we've had The Boy, this has never happened to us. We've had friends tell us about it happening to them. And it's always a funny story--"yeah, our kid crapped in the bathtub! Ha ha ha, isn't that sick?" But they never finish up the story. I mean, they don't ever tell you what they DID about it. And this was one of the many, many thoughts that flitted through my mind at mach 12 in the few seconds that followed: "What the hell was I supposed to do now?" I thought. "Here is my nice clean kid, and next to him, is some poo. AM I SUPPOSED TO GRAB IT?!?!? Think, Beck, think! What did all your friends do when this happened to them? Oh yeah, they never TELL you what they did. They might have EATEN IT for all I know!"

In my panic, I overlooked the obvious first step to take, but it soon came to me. I grabbed The Boy. Bathtime was officially over. But I still had a dilemma. The Boy was now out of the water, but he is standing there naked and cold, and I had to deal with the poo before he got mad about being taken out prematurely and started a tantrum. I didn't want to deal with a wet, naked tantrum.

Again, I thought, "Am I supposed to just reach in and grab this poo? It's not going to fit down the drain." And the realization that followed has left me a little unsettled all day. A while back, Kitt and I decided that a good way to gauge a little bit about someone's personality would be to ask them if they would hold someone else's poo in their bare hands for $100. Their response to this question tells you an awful lot. Most people really have to think about it, and you get even more of their personality by the things they say as they are debating it, or by the follow-up questions they ask (like, "how long do I have to hold it?"--30 seconds, BTW). Some people say yes, they would hold poo for $100. These are usually your laid-back people, people who are often described by others as "so cool". One of our wacky friends said, "Hell, I'd lick poo for $100!" (And that describes Ben SO WELL!). The type of people who said no were generally your type-A, anal-retentive people who we secretly made fun of.

When posed with The Question, always my answer would be, "Sure, I would hold poo for $100. It's $100!! And you can always just wash your hands afterwards." But here I was, face to face with the embodiment of my joke question, and I realized... I would NOT hold poo. Not for $100. Not for $100 and a life-time supply of Corn Pops. I am that anal-retentive person that I made fun of! I have been battling that beast for so long, and suddenly I am the beast. I am not sure how to handle this right now. I feel so wierd. I am not the person I thought I was; not the person I had been telling people I was. Does everyone else already know this?? When I used to say, "Sure I'll hold poo!" was everyone around me thinking, "Yeah, RIGHT Beck!" Does this come as a surprise to no one but me? Or is everybody going to be so disappointed in me?

To finish the story for you, so when it happens to you you'll know what to do, there happened to be a big plastic slotted spoon in the bathroom that The Boy had been playing with before (He likes to play with the big kitchen utensils. They are all over the house). When I saw it there, I immediately grabbed it, and started fishing out the poo (now in several chunks--didn't you just want to know that??) and throwing it in the toilet. Gagging the whole time, of course. The Boy is just watching in fascination. So for those of you who have small kids or ever plan on having small kids, get yourself a poo-spoon to keep in the bathroom for such an emergency.

I am not sure what to do with that spoon now. Do I throw it away? Because it could be blessed by the Pope (God rest him) and I still would not let it near my kitchen again. I guess I will leave it in the bathroom to be my Official Poo Spoon, for next time. (Please, don't let there be a next time. I don't think my psyche could take it.) I am also not sure I will ever be able to take a bath in that tub again. (Honey, when you get home tonight I need you to get out the Clorox and rinse out the tub with it...)

Did I do the right thing? Has anyone else had this happen? What did YOU do? When people are giving out parenting advice, they never give you really practical, everyday advice-- like what to do if your kid poos in the bath. And I have never, EVER seen this discussed in any parenting books. What to Expect the Toddler Years my ASS!

11 Comments:

At Fri Apr 01, 03:06:00 PM MST, Blogger Unknown said...

OK, without going into work specifics, let me just say the fecal matter is a topic of conversation here - A LOT. I would most definitely not hold poo for $100. Maybe $1000 or $500, but $100 just ain't worth it.

Funny poo-in-the-tub related story. When Leah and I were little, my mom made us take baths together. You know what Leah did? Pooped in the tub. Yup. I was the fastest naked seven year old EVER to run from one end of our house to the other. I'm very sorry you had to deal with this in your delicate state. You're a braver soul than I!

 
At Fri Apr 01, 03:28:00 PM MST, Blogger Unknown said...

I'd eat a human, though. Wasn't that Jade's question to everyone in Mr. Taylor's class?

 
At Mon Apr 04, 06:34:00 AM MDT, Blogger Erik with a K said...

Sorry, but that was a great story :-) Since I have animals, i'd hold poop for $100. I'm already doing it for free. I just have to distance myself mentally from the source of the poop.

 
At Tue Apr 05, 05:23:00 AM MDT, Blogger Scott said...

So I had this great (and long) reply. But Blogger ate it - I am not retyping it. In short I ave had the poop scenario and I roped the area off - we just don't use that room anymore. Wait, actually I grabbed the boy out, then (by hand) flipped the offenders to the toilet, used scalding water a brillo pad and turpentine on my arms - the boy and the tub.

 
At Wed Apr 06, 07:36:00 PM MDT, Blogger Lucius Atherton said...

You know, I've found that in any group of people, even uppity, wine-sipping classy sophisticates with PhDs from Harvard, if you hang around in the conversation long enough, the talk will eventually turn to Cleveland steamers (that's a new one I've learned recently from a group of sailors who are definitely NOT classy sophisticates). Just give it enough time.
When Victoria made her first Fecal-class submarine, she was horribly traumatized. In one graceful sweep, I scooped her out with one hand and the poo out with the other, dumping off the chocolate hostage into the holding tank and throwing up in my mouth a little bit. She wouldn't take a bath for a month, and I had to learn to eat with my left hand.
(By the who, my blog is back up with a new post tonight).

 
At Thu Apr 07, 01:42:00 PM MDT, Blogger Beck said...

Thanks everyone for all your sympathy. It was really traumatic for me. I am afraid to bathe The Boy now....

 
At Thu Apr 07, 03:00:00 PM MDT, Blogger Unknown said...

Ya know, if I pooped in the tub, I'd be horribly traumitized, too. I think the age limit for pooping in the tub (or your pants) and it being socially acceptable stops at 5 and begins again at 75. So, for 70 years, you gotta clench those cheeks and wait for the appropriate time...

 
At Fri Apr 08, 11:22:00 AM MDT, Blogger failproof said...

Hey Sis!
My gut hurts! Partially from the raquet ball work out this morning, but I laughed hard none the less. When we lived in Murray, the bathtub didn't have one of those grated things on the drain, so it often fit down the drain as I recall... been a while, but brought back memories. Seems like I had to drain the tub and use doubled over, doubled over, doubled over toilet paper once or twice (and that has happend recently because Goliath has such a hairy butt). Trust me when I say that it is easier to do for a little person than a dog!
And speaking of the $100... did anyone offer you the money? No? So maybe you are not the anal-retentive person you think you might be... - Love ya!

 
At Fri Apr 08, 05:33:00 PM MDT, Blogger Beck said...

No! No money offers! Where's my $100??? I want my $100!!

 
At Fri Dec 16, 02:54:00 PM MST, Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

A hundred bucks? Warm poo or cold poo?

 
At Fri Dec 16, 10:21:00 PM MST, Blogger Beck said...

Oh, definitely warm!

 

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