Fine Whine

Today's Cereal: the very last crumbs of Raisin Bran; also Corn Chex and Life
Current Mood: Tired

You might be tired of hearing about my pregnancy, but this is my life people. Suck it up and listen to my whining.

I am carrying this baby really low. I did with Aiden, too, but since my stomach and uterus muscles are all stretched out from doing this already only 16 months ago, I am a lot bigger than last time. Most pregnant women look nicely proportioned, with this cute hump that extends from their boobs to their lower abdomen. I however, am carrying this kid in my crotch. See the illustration (no, I don't wear doofy brown shoes like that):


Carrying Low

This not only wreaks havoc on my back, it creates all sorts of problems:

1) Bending over is nigh on impossible. This means I can't pick up Aiden's toys or the stuff he pulls off all the shelves (The house is a friggin' hell-hole), I can't put on socks or shoes (there's a reason for the term "barefoot and pregnant", I'm learning), I can't clip my toenails, I can't paint my toenails (which makes me panic because sandal season is upon us and I refuse to look like a hag by wearing sandals without painted toenails), I can't shave my legs, I can barely pull up my own pants... the list goes on and on. Next time you bend over for any reason, think sympathetically of me and how hard my life is.

2) Sitting in a straight-back chair is damn uncomfortable. My legs are starting to fall asleep when I do this because I've got a 20-pound lump the size of a small beach ball resting on my legs. It also makes my stomach--no, make that my crotch-- hurt from the pressure. *whine*!

3) Similarly, sitting in any chair with my legs closed in the lady-like fashion my Young Women's leader from when I was 12 taught me how to do, is out of the question. Church is a little mortifying if I have to sit on the front row. Sorry, can't close those legs. Nothin' doin'. Got a huge lump in the way. The problem I have that goes along with this is now I have to wear long skirts to church. And when you have short stubby legs like I do, long skirts make you look ridiculously shorter; and they make your legs look fat.

4) Maternity clothes were not designed for my special situation. Nowadays they have jumped on the low-rise jeans craze and they are making maternity pants that have a big thick band that is supposed to go under your belly. They are very cute indeed; but I can't wear them because then I have a huge thick band squeezing me right where I am the biggest around. Hurts like hell. Plus, I don't think the kid likes them either. I try to wear them, and she starts wiggling around like a baby crocodile on a feeding frenzy. (Imagine getting elbowed or knee-ed in the stomach. Now imagine that on the inside.)

No, I have to wear the granny-pants style of maternity pants. The kind that you pull up to your armpits; and they have this huge stretchy panel that goes over your tummy. However, Not many places have these anymore I am discovering. If they do, they are extra, extra large. (No one caters to the small pregnant woman!)

Please, designers-- I have to get fat. Do I have to look like a dork, too? Please come up with a workable solution. At least put some back pockets on the granny-pants. Do you know how big and stupid your butt looks in jeans that don't have back pockets?

Anyways, the other problem I have with the maternity pants--even the granny pants--is that the stretchy panel still starts too high for my low, low, low tummy. I seriously need it to start RIGHT AT THE CROTCH. The panel generally starts a good 3 or 4 inches above the inseam, and my tummy starts to bulge at about 2 inches. This means I am still getting squeezed. By the end of the day, the baby has sunk even lower (if you can imagine), and wearing pants is excrutiating. Generally I change into my jammies once the husband gets home because I can't take it anymore. And we're not talking cute pajamas. I mean my big 'ol green nightgown. I couldn't look like more of a beast.

I know that by this time next month the only thing I will be able to wear is a muu-muu. It'll be awesome.

5) I have other small problems, too- but this post is getting a little out of hand. The last one I will mention is the lack of lap. Makes it hard to read bedtime stories to The Boy. The cats aren't too happy either. They try to sit on top of my stomach, and their poke-y little paws hurt!


Gee, only 3 more months to go!